Please critique "Dinner Time" (450 words)

Re: Please critique "Dinner Time" (450 words)

feeds@yuku.com (Wolfgang Kaiser) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 07:34:15 GMT

I did read your comment before I really got it, but I think it would have clicked eventually either way. Fantastic twist, in any case.

Re: Please critique "Dinner Time" (450 words)

feeds@yuku.com (babeonownbike) — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 04:03:24 GMT

Wolfgang Kaiser - you got it! My question is, did you have to read my comment first, or did the story inform you at the end?

Anonymouse21 - I was intentionally misleading the reader with the details I included, and those I did not. It's my hope you assume "they" are concentration camp prisoners, only to realize you've been played - "they" are merely fish. Thank for the read.

Re: Please critique "Dinner Time" (450 words)

feeds@yuku.com (anonymouse21) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:31:48 GMT

I can miss things like that so very easily... my family members marvel at it.

Re: Please critique "Dinner Time" (450 words)

feeds@yuku.com (Wolfgang Kaiser) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 18:55:58 GMT

...Karl Bielig, Brigadeführer, SS. I thought that that, of all things, was fairly clear.

Re: Please critique "Dinner Time" (450 words)

feeds@yuku.com (anonymouse21) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:29:03 GMT

If Wolfgang hadn't of said that, and I didn't read the comments before I read it- I just do that. I don't even know why- I wouldn't have figured out the fact that they were fish either until the last sentence. Out of curiosity, who is the owner of these fish that so morbidly enjoys having them? I want to read more.

Re: Please critique "Dinner Time" (450 words)

feeds@yuku.com (Wolfgang Kaiser) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:08:11 GMT

....THEY'RE FISH!

Good lord, I only just realized that.

Consider my assumptions well and truly played with. I salute you.

Re: Please critique "Dinner Time" (450 words)

feeds@yuku.com (babeonownbike) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 03:45:26 GMT

shfoosmuck - thanks for the read and comments. No one had read it here so I didn't bother to update it, but I have changed the last paragraph. This is actually a short story in-and-of itself, but since I was too subtle with my original ending I got a lot of criticism for being too vague. If you re-read this, I hope it makes more sense. I was playing with word, emotions and assumptions.

Re: Please critique "Dinner Time" (450 words)

feeds@yuku.com (Shfoosmuck) — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 19:10:13 GMT

Your prose is excellent. Dare I even say marvelous. The problem arrives in that I don't know what's going on. Write more. If I were to open a book to a random page and find this, I'd read the book. Keep writing.

Please critique "Dinner Time" (450 words)

feeds@yuku.com (babeonownbike) — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 11:11:45 GMT

DINNER TIME

His thoughts elsewhere, Karl Bielig tugged absently at one end of his handle-bar mustache, unable to hear the desperate battle that played out on the other side of the glass, and only barely aware of the melee.

"Karl Bielig, Brigadeführer, SS." He whispered the words to the empty...