New Story - Please Comment!

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (babeonownbike) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 07:15:25 GMT

I am really enjoying reading your story. There were a few places I wanted to pull out my red pen, but overall it's really well done. The lack of punctuation makes the going difficult, but I copied and pasted into Word and then ran a spell-check which allowed me to easily correct the majority of them. Keep going!

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (gigglingtreepixie) — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 21:45:13 GMT

very good! bravo! i'm really liking ellie, she seems fiesty (dunno the spelling of that for sure, sorry lol)

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Ablean Buckslinger) — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 01:33:00 GMT

That wasn't intentional, it was just they all vanished when the forum changed servers. But thanks for your comments

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (anonymouse21) — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 23:00:50 GMT

This is brilliant! You have well developed and interesting characters, a good story, and an overall good job. However, I have to say that the absence of quotation marks annoyed me a slight bit. Instead of
Yes, So and So said, of course.
Make it
"Yes," So and So said. "Of course."

Sorry, just a bit of advice.

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Ablean Buckslinger) — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 08:49:13 GMT

your sweaty brand of love

WHY?!! That's a BAD mental image!!?!

----

That's how Ellie would refer to it, quite frankly. And I did take the name Lysander from Shakespeare, yes.

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Vortex Duck) — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 08:10:36 GMT

Oooh, drama!

Still brilliant. And very cheerful.
Just a couple things:

Lysander

Isn't he one of the ones out of Shakespeare?
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rang the doorbell with his nose

Cute! And really fitting for (your/his) 'character'.
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Who's Who of losers and wankers...

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Ablean Buckslinger) — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 02:27:06 GMT

Here's some more! I've also added a prologue of us on Christmas Eve, but aged as we are now, and will add an epilogue of our nineteen-year-old selves on Boxing Day, just to frame it.

As Louise did her make-up, there was a knock on the bedroom door. She...

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Ablean Buckslinger) — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 11:09:49 GMT

Quote:
"Rob was her brother" springs to mind you could shorten it to "her brother Rob" and stick it in the preceding sentence, possibly perhaps maybe?

Yar, makes more sense. This is all a first draft anyway. But thanks. I don't know iif I...

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Boss Hamster) — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 10:57:38 GMT

Not a big fan of the robovoices? Oh, I am surprised.

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~ Wolfgang Kaiser, Zeppelin Vigilante ~
"Kidnapping Nubile Victorian Ladies Since 1867"

Quote:
Stick it in TextEdit and have the robovoices read it to you, with all their monotonous mispronunciation.

I have to hurt you now. Badly.

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Boss Hamster) — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 01:55:56 GMT

Stick it in TextEdit and have the robovoices read it to you, with all their monotonous mispronunciation.

I liked it. I'm sure I would have liked it more if I knew the people firsthand, but you've done a pretty good job of characterizing them so they're accessible. The only thing about which I would caution you is the exposition it's a bit heavy-handed in...

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Ablean Buckslinger) — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 01:01:59 GMT

Put it in Word and do that blue background / white text thing?

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Lord DragonFang) — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 20:52:14 GMT

Quote:
You don't need the 'k'.

Lies! American lies!
Oh, wait, you're British...never mind then.

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Ablean Buckslinger) — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 14:41:03 GMT

Quote:
You mean a pause that lasted nine months and resulted in a lot of screaming.

I can imagine Ellie and Dave having a lot of pauses exactly like that to be honest.

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Vortex Duck) — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 14:30:40 GMT

Brilliant, Bean. Loved it. Don't stop writing.

Quote:
Ford Ka [...] wonky rear number plate

Sounds just like a car I know.

Quote:
There was a pregnant pause.

You mean a pause that lasted nine months and resulted in a lot of screaming.

Love the Matt & Harriet...

Re: New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Ablean Buckslinger) — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 04:34:29 GMT

There was no snow on the ground, that Christmas morning. There never was. Louise felt the sun try to crowbar its way through the curtains but she wrapped her duvet around her and snuggled down deep into its welcoming, warm folds.
This Christmas, however, she had escaped the family. She didnt need to get up and drive the fifty or so miles down to her old home. With both of their children now having moved out, Ellen and Mick had set off for Spain to spend Christmas with Ellens sister. At a...

New Story - Please Comment!

feeds@yuku.com (Ablean Buckslinger) — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 04:33:25 GMT

I'm writing a piece based on me and my friends spending Christmas Day together in the near future. The whole story covers just one day - 25th December - and features eleven characters, each bringing their own problems to the table, bumping together to provide some seasonal fireworks. This is the opening few pages and I wondered what people thought!

EDIT: It's actually about eight pages ... why does it always look so little on these websites! Anyway - what does anyone think?

EDIT...